Top Gear: FlatOut Femme Fatale
by Phoenix-LOL
Summary: The producers at Top Gear want to expand their show to a broader audience. So what better way than to add a female cast member? Chaos expected! I do not own anything involving TG, just my OC and plot line.


Top Gear

Flat-out Femme Fatale

Summary: The producers at Top Gear want to expand their show to a broader audience. So what better way than to add a female cast member? Chaos expected! I do not own anything involving TG, just my OC and plot line.

Prologue: Surprise, you have a new cast member.

Jeremy: It was an early morning on the set of Top Gear. Richard, James and I had been called to the lot early that day, and when ask to show up prematurely, you know it cannot be good.

(Set of Top Gear Garage)

Richard: What do you think the problem is?

James: I'm sorry to say it, but I think they finally kicked Jeremy off the show.

Jeremy: WHAT? Why the hell would you think that?

James: Well, I'm going to be honest, your "tactical thinking" probably got the boss into a jam and the only way to wiggle out of it was to cut you off.

Jeremy: That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard you say in my life.

Richard: With all respect, you set a man on fire!

Jeremy: I told you, he internally combusted as we drove by! After a few tuck-and-rolls he was alright.

James: Hardly.

Jeremy: Well, I think you've become too old for the show.

James: Absolutely not!-

Jeremy: And honestly you aren't the best driver in the world-

Richard: That is quite painfully true.

James: Of course not, that's why we have the Stig. By the way, wasn't he supposed to be here?

Jeremy: Oh you know the drill; he's getting ready for the show later on.

James: This is all absurd. Look why don't we just wait till the director gets here and then we'll know the truth.

Jeremy: Fine.

(Crewman walks up and hands them CD)

Richard: What's this?

(Man walks away)

James: Well, he was rather helpful.

Jeremy: As a bag of rocks. I guess this explains the CD player on the table here. Go on, put it in and play it.

(Richard inserts CD and presses play)

: Hello there, thank you so much for arriving on time.

James: Is that one of the producers?

Richard: I think it is.

Producer: I've been having a talk with the BBC network; they believe Top Gear has the potential to grow to a wider audience than our viewers now. So it was our decision to hire a new cast number.

James: Oh god

Producer: And just to keep it interesting, we've hired a female TV personality. She'll be appearing on today's show so make her feel welcome.

Richard: Oh goodie.

Producer: The challenge this week is to create an 'initiation' programme for our inductee. If you look in the envelope inside the Cd case you'll see a picture of your 'hot, female co-star'.

(James takes envelope, opens it and stares at photograph)

James: Oh, wow...

Richard: Come on, let us have a look!

(Snatches picture and looks)

Richard: (Eyes widening) Bloody-

Jeremy: Alight, now you've sparked my curiosity.

(Taking photograph)

On the picture was a female model. She had long, beautiful ebony hair streaked with stunning blue highlights. Her skin was a shade mixed between fair and tan and her eyes were a lovely cerulean. She was clad in a white leather jumpsuit zippered down rather low to expose her cleavage also hugging her curvy figure; one that rivaled their own racetrack. Sleek, white high heeled boots and white fingerless gloves adorned her legs and arms. She was leaning rather suggestively against a white Jaguar ZX 75, with searing light blue headlights.

Jeremy: (struggling to control blushing face) Oh, she is rather pretty.

Richard: (mumbling)

James: What did he say? Speak up, Hamster!

Richard: I said- she's gorgeous.

James: (tugging on collar) That she is.

Richard: So what so they mean about this initiation, they're talking about?

Jeremy: Do you know maturities and fraternities in college?

Richard: Yes.

Jeremy: Well, in order to get into those groups, you need to pass the initiation. A challenge, most of the time it involves doing unthinkable things.

Richard: Like?

James: A friend of mine just entered a college fraternity. His 'initiation' was to run through the girls washrooms, in his boxers.

Richard: (laughing) Are you kidding? That's so juvenile, who in their right minds would do that?

Jeremy: Anyone who apparently wants entrance. It's almost like a rite of passage, most of the time it's mostly illegal, ridiculous or embarrassing.

Richard: Ok, so what should we do for our 'guest'?

James: We could ask her to show up at the studio naked.

(James gets a magazine to the face)

James: Ow

Jeremy: We can't do that, the sensors won't allow it. Plus it's morally degrading, right Hamster? Hamster?

(Richard has a glazed over, contemplating look across his face. A slight trickle of drool is seeping out of the corner of his mouth, obviously picturing something not passed by the censor. He promptly gets smacked by Jezza)

Richard: OW! What the bloody hell was that for?

Jeremy: Need I say more than the idiotic look masking your face.

(Awkward silence)

Richard: So, what do you suppose we do then?

*Opening theme*

Jeremy: Tonight, on Top Gear:

(James May is face-palming his head multiple times)

Jeremy: James slaps himself silly.

(Richard breathes on his hand and checks his breath)

Jeremy: Richard smells his own hand.

(Jeremy has a serious look on his face)

Jeremy: And I look serious.

(Camera zooms out to applauding crows with Jezza, Cap'n slow and hamster)

Jeremy: Hello and good morning. On today's show we have a wonderful surprise for you all.

James: That's right, now the BBC network had been watching the ratings of this show like a hawk recently. Which is understandable, our ratings have been some of the highest they've ever been.

(Crowd applauses)

Jeremy: However they believe we can do better, so it was the decision of the BBC, to hire a new costar. Her name is Alexis Falcon.

Richard: Of course, it not as easy as walking in to the studio, saying "Hello, I want to be on Top Gear." No it's not like that. The network may approve of her, but these two (pointing to Jeremy and James) still are uneasy about the idea of a girl on the show.

Jeremy: Now, I'm not saying I'm upset by a new cast member, it's just- How many guys out there know their wives or girlfriends to be bad drivers and/or don't care about cars?

(A sufficient number of hands go up in the audience)

Jeremy: See? I'm just worried that she won't live up to Top Gear standards.

James: Top Gear standards or YOUR standards?

Richard: Translating into today's challenge! We were tested on creating an initiation for Ms. Falcon.

(Camera changes to barren track in unknown location. A figure appears in the horizon, a black Nissan GTR decorated in roaring blue flames on the sides. The car shows off its fantastic handling as it parks- the door opening to reveal a black heeled boot. The full passenger emerged- dressed in a pair of dark denim skinny jeans and white tank top with blue blouse overtop.)

Alexis: Hello, my name is Alexis Mercedes Falcon- and this (motions to the Nissan) is my pride and joy- the Nissan GTR. I love this car in fact it is the embodiment of what I love about cars. It's fast, beautiful to look at and downright fun to handle.

(Suddenly, a phone begins to ring. Alexis takes it out of her back pocket and answers it)

Alexis: Hello?

?: Ms. Falcon, I presume?

Alexis: Yes, can this wait? I'm kind of doing something important right now.

?: Honestly I think you won't be going anywhere right now- not without your car at least.

(Alexis appears confused before turning in shock to see someone was driving off in the distance, deserting her)

Alexis: Hey! What are doing with my car? Who the heck are you?

?: Just do what we tell you to and you'll get your car back soon enough.

Alexis: (listening closely) Is- is that snickering in the background?

?: Uh... No.

Alexis: Wait a minute- you sound familiar... Is this Jeremy Clarkson?

?: (muffled curse) Just listen lady. Now I want you list all the cars you've had, why you love cars and one deep secret you'd never tell anyone.

Alexis: And if I don't?

?: Your Nissan will become a compact- your choice.

(Phone clicks off)

Alexis: Oh bugger... (Looks at camera) Well here goes nothing- I've owned a series of cars over my time. My first car was a Mustang GT; then I had a few BMW M5's, a Ferrari California and even a Jaguar XKR-S. I've always been a sports car girl; my favorite is the Nissan GTR.

I love cars because of what they represent- speed, aerodynamics, comfort, class and fun. I was hooked on cars when I was a young girl- my father was a car fanatic and always talked about them, they were his life's passion he planted in me. My mother never approved of me and my love of machines so it was my father who supported my dream of becoming a rally driver-. (She looked down at the asphalt so the camera wouldn't see the tears pooling in her eyes) Cars gave been my way to expressing myself and connecting with my dad. I'm competitive about racing and love to feel speed while flying down the track at 145 miles per hour. It's just a drive I can't explain, no pun intended.

The secret... (Alexis scuffed her boots against the ground)... I love Top Gear. The show is just great, entertaining, funny and spectacular. Jezza, Cap'n Slow and Hamster are the best hosts I've ever seen and I'd do anything to work with them! (Jumps a little before calming down)

Uh, they aren't gonna see this, are they?

(Back in the Garage)

Jeremy: Yes, we saw everything. So mates, what do you think?

James: I like her; she loves cars and has real passion for what we do.

Richard: I agree, plus her name- I mean record is fantastic!

(Crowd laughs)

Jeremy: Really? Her name Hammond- do I sense a crush?

(Crowd "Ooh"s and "Ahh"s)

Richard: What? No-

Jeremy: So that whole brainstorming bit before the show where you brought up the idea of having her walk in topless and turning the air condition down-

Richard: (turning red) DROP IT, DROP IT!

Jeremy: Alright Hamster, no need to get your knickers in a twist.

James: You still haven't said anything about Alexis, Jeremy.

Jeremy: I'm not getting my hopes up for anything.

Richard: You don't like her? Let me ask you something-

Jeremy: Ok

Richard: What planet did you come from?

Jeremy: Look, it's not like I don't like her- she's a very charismatic woman. It's obvious she loves cars but I don't think she loves cars up to the level we love cars on the show.

James: I think that's one of the most ridiculous opinions I've ever heard in my life.

Jeremy: And this is why no one cares about what you say, James.

(Crows laughs)

(Flashback to Alexis who was wiping her face off, her cheeks slightly red with streaks that looked like tear marks)

Richard: (off screen) It seemed like she had passed the ethics test, so I decided to meet this girl in person.

(Suddenly, Richard shows up, driving an orange Zonda)

Alexis: Oh wow...

(The door opens to see Hamster inside)

Richard: Can I offer you a ride?

Alexis: Richard Hammond-!

Richard: You were expecting the orangutan?

(Alexis slips into the passenger seat and closes the door. Camera switches to inside Zonda as car drives)

Richard: So- you are Ms. Falcon?

Alexis: You were expecting the orangutan?

Richard: (chuckling) No, heaven help if you were.

Alexis: I can't believe I'm in a Zonda, it's a beautiful car.

Richard: I'm glad you think so, I love Zondas.

Alexis: (smiling) And it has a great handle, must take skill to drive it.

Richard: (scoffing, but turning pink) Why, thank you.

Alexis: (giggling) I was being general- but I'm glad you're flattered.

Richard: (looking deflated) Right, I knew that.

Richard: (off screen) My job was only to drive the newbie to her second challenge, but this little mix up made the situation... Awkward.

(Car is silent. Alexis was pretending to admire the interior while Hammond focused on driving, stopping once to check his breath)

James: (off screen) Eventually, even I got bored, so I'd figured I'd call them up.

(Radio comes to life with James' voice)

James: It's so dead in there you can hear a pin drop.

(Alexis picked up the radio)

Alexis: Then why don't we talk- let's start with what you little mongrels have done to my car!

James: Don't worry, it's safe. You've got a lot of spunk don't you?

Alexis: Well that car is important to me.

James: Why is that?

Richard looked over to see Alexis hesitate, her blue eyes softening as the words were affecting her, and then answered quietly-

Alexis: ... It was a gift from a close friend.

(Hamster took the radio, trying to help the woman)

Richard: Is the second test ready?

James: Of course- take her to the track.

Richard: (taking the radio, talking mockingly) Yes, mum. (He clicked off the radio)

Alexis: Thanks.

Richard: No problem.

(The Zonda stopped on the track, the phone going off in her pocket again.)

Alexis: Hello?

Jeremy: Second challenge, Ms. Falcon.

Alexis: Ok?

Jeremy: You must set a lap time around our track in the Zonda-

Alexis: That doesn't sound too bad.

Jeremy: -and beat the Stig's time.

Alexis: Crud...

(Both members turned to see the Stig blaze across the line.)

Richard: You have a few tries to beat him, and I can help teach you about the track. But in the end, it's going to be up to you.

Alexis: Great...

(A few laps go by and soon Alexis pulls up to the start and Hammond gets out. The Stig is standing by next to the flag waver.)

Richard: Good luck- time to beat is 1:17:6. Meet you back at the hanger.

(Alexis smiles and gives thumbs up and places the black eye shield down on her black helmet. The Stig just sends a usual stare toward her which she gives back- relatively well.

Richard: (Watching Stig walk away) I could have sworn he just muttered something…

(The woman took a breath and turned to the road, entering her "zone" as the flag of Great Britain dropped.)

(Top Gear Garage: crowd is cheering as Zonda drives up to crowd.)

Jeremy: Ladies and Gentlemen; the woman we've all been talking about- Alexis Falcon!

(The Crowd cheers as Alexis makes it to the stage. She shakes the three men's hands and sits in-between Cap'n Slow and Hamster)

Jeremy: Welcome Alexis!

Alexis: Thanks, it's good to be here.

James: You were saying earlier that your father was a big reason to why you're such a- (Hamster makes a 'cut it out' across his neck behind Alexis) - what on earth are you doing Hamster?

(Alexis turns to see Richard scratching his throat)

Richard: Uh, just a scratch, that's all.

Jeremy: You we're going to talk about your father?

Alexis: AH, yes, well- my father loved cars. He always talked about new models, different companies- he even worked with a designer from Aston Martin for a period of time.

James: And where does he live? He's sounds like a great guy to bring on the show.

Alexis: (looking down slightly) He died in an automobile accident in London, two years ago.

Jeremy, James and Richard: Oh…

Alexis: (pushing hair behind her ear) Yes, he was a good man.

Richard: I'm sorry to hear that.

Alexis: Its ok, I've moved on. The Nissan GTR was the last car I bought when he was alive. By the way- where is it?

Jeremy: We'll get to that in a moment, but first how'd you think you did on the lap?

Alexis: I thought I did well, that Zonda is a fantastic car.

James: Oh Lord, we have another Zonda lover upon us.

Jeremy: Moving on- you were set to beat the Stig's 1:17:6. Alexis Falcon- for a job on Top Gear- you did it in-

(Alexis sits up, listening intently)

Jeremy: 1- 16- (Crowd "OH's") - dead.

(Alexis fist pumps in excitement before hugging both Richard and James.)

Jeremy: Congratulations. (Jezza shakes her hand) Ladies and Gentlemen- Top Gear's newest star- Alexis Falcon!

Richard: Wait- she needs a nickname.

James: Yeah, it's needs to be something fast and cool like-

Richard: Zonda?

(Cap'n Slow gives Hamster a blunt look and hits himself multiple times in the face)

Alexis: How about 'Lexus'?

Jeremy: I like it, what do the people say?

(Crowd "yeahs" with approval)

Jeremy: Well that's settles that-

Alexis: I'm going to ask one time- WHERE IS MY NISSAN?

James: We crushed it.

Alexis: WHAT?

James: Kidding- here it is! (Crowd moves aside to see the familiar black car)

Alexis: Whew…

Jeremy: And on that bombshell, that concludes out show. Thank you so much for coming, GOOD NIGHT!

*Exit theme*

XtheXstigX

A/N: Well that was long- I'm new to the Top Gear fandom so please be lenient on me. This is the beginning where I introduce my OC Alexis Falcon- she will go on an adventure throughout this series. Please read, review, comment, favorite- I like them all.

See you soon!

-Phoenix


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